A day ahead of time.

A friend sent me this a few days ago.

Hope it makes you smile (or at least, grin…? smirk?).

Thought for the day

Handle every stressful situation like a dog.

Piss on it and walk away

My day went fine today by the way. And I will make the best of tomorrow.

I just found this funny.

I really think that many (including I) don’t recognize enough our own achievements. For a lot, these periods of doubt are occasional and/or episodic.

My own mother thinks I don’t pat my own back often enough. She adds that when she does (pat my back that is) I do the equivalent of shrugging and saying “yeah… right!” I don’t excel at valorizing who and what I am, as well as what I’ve achieved or do. It’s just never good enough. I should - in my mind - always be more.

And I’m trying to change that way of thinking.

The problem is that often others (and I) compare me to my mother. Probably because we enjoy each others’ crazy ways of thinking, ideas, etc. so we spend a lot of out time (as in outside our house) together. At home, on the other hand, I spend most of my times on my floor and just come down for meals and the post-diner movie and/or TV serie.

As I said before, my mother is very strong (personality and all). She’s more forward, more aggressive, more “in your face”. She’s people’s idea of success (an Alpha female). That’s her personality. And note that I do admire her. I do think she’s extraordinary in personality, in achievements… I’ve known her my whole life and she still surprises me. She still shares a thought or point of view, and I’ll go “ha ha!”

My personality, on the other hand, is much more low key, sometimes clowning around with friends - I love the power of provoking uncontrolled smiles or laughters… It’s sexy power to me - , but more often than not, I’ll avoid anything that puts me in a leading role or in the forefront.

I think people think that makes me weak. Or that it’s something I need to work on.

Ironically, I shouldn’t be phased by what people think, but I’m not at “that level” of that kind of wisdom yet.

Because feeling that from others does get me to that angry point. To that frustration that makes me want to scream: “I choose to be this way but stop acting like I need to be taken care of! Stop acting like my choice of staying in the background implies that I can’t be strong, that I’m powerless! I’m not! This gentle subdued personality, this not speaking most times, it’s a choice!” *ensues lots of curses in various languages*

I guess the issue is “not understanding” people here. I’ve met people, people who might very well be interesting, but who when they noticed I chilled so much with mom (99% of my outings) presumed that it was a proof I was dull, had no personality, whatever. And sometimes it makes me smile. But sometimes it makes me want to frown.

Because the diners I go to - which occur every week, often twice a week - are far from dull. We talk about vibrators, sex, singlehood, the results of the American elections (so far), travels, books, movies, we do a comparison of the world leaders in place and of recent past (Putin, Berlusconi, Ra8, Sarko, etc.) and their similarities, we bitch sometimes, we laugh at other times, we play battles of wit.

And sometimes I spend the whole diner not talking. Not because I have no personality. Just because, at that time, I just want to listen. It’s like reading a good book. I read good people (or good conversations). I enjoy that. And at other times, I spend half the diner listening, and half sharing a thing here and sharing a thing there. Sometimes, I monopolize the conversation.

When I don’t talk, I’ve had friends ask me “what’s wrong?” or make an issue out of it. I find that frustrating because sometimes I just want to listen. Others, I am in my own world (maybe I didn’t really want to go out or just have a train of thought I’m trying to finish). Sometimes I want to share, sometimes I don’t.

Another thing is, I hate conflicts. If I’m in the company of someone who has demeaned what I said or has been rude to me (even playfully) more than twice (I follow the three strikes and you’re out rule, yes), I just don’t want to talk to that person. I’ll nod politely, I’ll follow the minimum courtesy, but I wont speak until that person is gone. That’s me. And to me, it’s my way of making sure I don’t attempt to humiliate the person the next time. Because, chances are, the person pisses me off. So aggressive people or people who interupt me each time I talk, I just don’t want to talk to.

I admit, for some people, that implies I’m weak. To me, I just don’t feel like it. The person is an equivalent of “a waste of my time and energy”. I do have this idea of a good person being kind, tolerant and respectful. And yes, I know, there are lots of people who aren’t. But honestly, if I can avoid them or avoid talking to them, I will. I will only talk to them when “they come in peace”.

To me, this is a strength. I put people in one of two categories: those beneficial to me (and to whom I want to be beneficial to - if only by them enjoying my company) and the others. And whenever I have the freedom to make that choice and act in the way I see fit, I’ll do it.

Something else that I get often with people is the fact that they see my thinking so much, my analyzing so much as having no life (or nearly).

Those same people make me feel as if they just want to see me active and doing things left and right. It doesn’t matter if it’s constructive. It’s just being seen doing millions of things. Personally, I dislike being active without a purpose. I dislike keeping busy just to be busy. And I have that freedom right now.

Yes, I do live a very active inner life. I think it’s partly my personality, and it was enhanced by my experience. I once lived a life where I did things and kept busy all the time, emotions and issues surfaced, but I ignored them because I was so busy. That was NY. I still thought and daydreamed, but I avoided times with myself a lot. Then I went to Paris, and next thing you know, I didn’t have those outlets, those ways of keeping busy without necessary doing anything productive. And you know, the time I describe sometimes as “my depressive years”, it was just all those issues and feelings I’d previously ignored that all came at once and hit me like a ton of bricks.

Since then, I’ve come to feel that I need to deal with issues as they come. It’s necessary with me. I need to acknowledge the feelings, to get to the roots of the anguish, to face my mind.

But some people will always tell me how they think that: I dream too much. I think too much. I’m too much in my head. But it’s me. I don’t tell them to stop doing so much and just ponder on who they choose to be and the path they’ve chosen. I don’t tell them to ask themselves if they truly are as judgmental as I see them. I don’t because it’s how I choose to live life, but it can be not the way they’d be happy. They might not have surge of emotions like mine that need to be faced. They might not enjoy the philosophical and zen approach to life that I do seek to maintain.

But why do they get involved and get concerned with how I do things?

I still do my job. I have improved work-wise every year so far and I aim to continue that way. I earn a good living. Sometimes, I earn less because I turn down some contracts. And I spend less. It is a luxury, but one that I choose to maintain. As I said before, I pay my way to contribute to how this house is and the utilities it provides. My mother advanced me the money so that we got this new cable/satellite service. But I’m paying her back. And if she hadn’t chosen to advance it, I would have waited. I knew the amount of big contracts I needed to do offer it to myself. I participate in grocery shopping.

And I could earn double by working double. I, obviously, choose not to. If it means we’re eating at Lux (really cheap equivalent of fast food, I probably am writing it wrong) at the next outing, then so be eat! I like rice and beans (voanjobory… spelling… Argh)

See, when I moved in with Miz F a while back, she shared some of her concerns with me. Apparently, she had spoken with a colleague of hers about my welfare. About how if I didn’t have my mother I wouldn’t be able to provide for myself. About how they should orient me towards a 9-to-5 jobs.

I can’t explain how that pissed me off. But it pissed me off double because I realized that she must not have been the only one that felt that type of concern.

The thing is, how is it anyone’s business?! You know? I know I’ve provided sole income for my fam(ily) before. I know I earn a living. I know some may come in my house, hear the TV (which is nearly always in the background for me) and think I’m just having fun all the time. I do work! I do my shit! Why do people make me feel I should show them my bank accounts, get reaaaaaaally aggressive at a diner or when I meet them, get vocal, interrupt them, get in their face all the time for them to give me the minimal respect of thinking: “hey, she knows what she’s doing”.

I see lots of people like that, worldwide, that make me feel I have to be antithesis of my ideal to gain any respect. And that sickens me. Sometimes, people’s narrow mindedness sickens me. As I said before, it makes me contemptuous.

I try to always keep in mind that people are not just what I see. It’s part of who they are, but I don’t see all. I do try to either decide if I enjoy their company or not and in that sense, judge them as possible friends or not. But beyond that, I don’t try to get involved in their lives. That is a constant aim for me.

I’ve found the perfect balance between being social and being private. I meet people by accident, pretty much always through friends.

I go out for diner with a group of friends or another either once or twice a week. At the places I go to, I can easily stop every three steps and greet someone I kind of know. And then, the rest of the time I stay at home. I work at home. I stay on my floor.

The thinking and internal chatter is necessary for me to find the compassion in me for people who are kind of or really different from me. To realize and accept that it’s ok that they’re different. And that it’s ok that they don’t agree with me. And I do sort of have a serious focus on what my mom calls “the search for my true self”. And I try to meditate regularly too. Ok. That’s something I’m still working on…!

Sometimes - if not often - on this blog I’ve complained about the fact that I felt that people didn’t acknowledge my strength, my personality as being strong. That’s on me, you know. It’s that I want them to say it. That I feel the need for people to recognize it. But honestly, I think that acknowledging that this is an issue for me gives me the opportunity to realize that I don’t really need for people to say “yeah! you’re strong!” Or even “yeah! you’re interesting!” I want this often, but I do think it’s for me to change that want.

I mean it when I say: the less I count on others, the better. The less I expect them to provide a certain form of validation, the less they disappoint me. The less I expect it from them, the more I work on providing it for myself. I do believe it can be achieved.

And my goal is to find a way to not count on the others to see things from my perspective. To consider what may work for me but not for them. And there will always be people who don’t get it, who don’t get me. And sure, right now I’m letting it piss me off, but I know I’m working to that point where it doesn’t phase me anymore. Where I can say, “hey, whatever”.

I know I do take a tone and type in a way that is very much “I have something to prove”.

It’s still how I think.

Thing is, I feel that most people want me to prove it to them. They need to hear about certain things to take me seriously. Or to show respect. Ironically, I avoid sharing all those sides with people. Purely because some people don’t need to have things proven (the spell checker extension thingy says “proven” is wrong: but I know the spell checker is wrong - Collins-Robert just confirmed by telling me proven is the past participle of prove, and can also be spelled proved… Ah! Up yours spell checker!). That I, myself, choose to avoid expecting for people to prove these things. I judge people based on how good I feel with them, how much I enjoy their company, and how interesting and open I find them.

And in a way, I’m going to have to deal with the idea that I just can’t stick around those who don’t do the same.

And I don’t know if I sounded as if I over-dramatized some of the things I’ve experienced. I don’t mean to. I know what I’ve lived. I know others have lived more difficult things first hand. I know others who mature in other ways. I respect that. See, I don’t think there is a better or worst (besides, ideally, the fact that no harm comes to none… I’m an idealist remember?). We just have had the lives we have had. And some will be annoying *crinkling my nose to enhance my point* and presume you just don’t know. You don’t know what it’s like. Look at you! You have a TV, whatever whatever, whatever whatever! Pff. You’re so lucky. You’ve never had to fight for anything… *Contemptuous tone ensues*

And honestly, that pisses me off. I suppose ignorance is what pisses me off the most. Because although we are all ignorant - maybe most, I don’t know - of some things, I dislike pretentious nitwits who fit the above description.

Because although I do think it is my obligation to keep surpassing myself, to exceed my limits… Basically, to live! I also think I have lived. I have experienced things. I’ve managed in situations I wouldn’t have thought I’d manage. I’m sure whoever is reading this has had that feeling. That point where you are experiencing something and you think “I thought I’d never make it” but you did. Where, yes, you exceeded your limits. Pushed them further. Strengthened yourself.

Do you think everyone should wear badges with “lived through…”, “survived from…”, “begged for…” “achieved what I thought was impossible for me” etc.?

I know, I’m at that point where I look at people like they’re some form of lower life again, eh? *lol* Ah. The work I still have to do on this soul to make it a better one.

I suppose I also have a lot of things to prove to myself as much as others - reminding myself what has, does and is likely to always matter to me.

It takes a while. It takes a while to grow.

Sometimes I forget.

Often I forget. That’s I have done lots of wonderful things in this lifetime so far. That I have achieved lots of things that I found enriching.

Sometimes, I do take ownership of other people’s doubts, other people’s hopes. Which is weird - and note, of my own doing - because they only see a biased views. Sometimes if not often, I do take a very biased view of my life. I forget how fulfilling it’s been. And because I forget that, I tend to forget how it’s fulfilling today.

In the last twenty nine years and several months of my life:

• By the age of five I’d change countries more or less five times I’d say (maybe four), and covering two continents
• Around the age of 5 I tried to sell paintings to my neighbors - my idea was that I’d use the sale to help my mother with paying the bills (my mom is the one who told me this by the way)
• Around the age of 5 or 6, I apparently could speak Swahili fluently (probably because of some of the places where we lived - note that I’ve since forgotten how to)
• I could say a few things in two European languages that weren’t my own around that time (Dutch and Italian, probably because they belonged among my favorite countries in Europe)
• I’ve changed countries several times (many many times) - covering three continents, several languages, many cultures in my life.
• Several times we’ve furnished our apartments thanks to the Salvation Army (plates, furniture, cutlery, etc.)
• I’ve taken advantage of the culinary generosity of some friends and survived thanks to that warmth.
• I’ve always been flexible.
• I’ve taught a Panamanian how to speak French at the age of more or less 5 or 6.
• I’ve adapted to different things, different people, different cultures.
• I’ve sold my hair twice to financially contribute to my family’s funds.
• I’ve been a tour guide on an island that isn’t mine.
• I’ve been the sole income bringer for 6 months to a year for my family.
• I’ve read many books (that have interested me that is), and have seen many movies I’ve enjoyed as well.
• I’ve had a whole lot, I’ve lost it several times. I have gained stuff, I have had everything stolen.
• I’ve listened to a friend as a teen (I must have been 15) to her story, a story involving her boyfriend who was in jail serving a 9-to-life sentence. This made me consider how hard it must be (her situation).
• Basically, I’ve had many friends (at various degrees of friendship) who dealt with very adult situations in their teens (rape, abortions, death, murder, kids) by the time I was around 15. This in turn taught me to be more compassionate, to realize that different people live different lives, to avoid being judgmental. But also, what paths weren’t for me.
• Several times in my life, we’ve sold everything we had and took the decision within three weeks to move in another country.
• I may have no big things to show - like a company, lots and lots of money -, but I’ve achieved some things that are very meaningful to me. I’ve adapted to various situations quickly.
• I nearly got married at the age of nineteen for reasons that are my own.

My life has been intricate, spicy, full, rich with experiences for me. I’ve had to deal with some stuff that wasn’t all positive. I’ve met some fascinating people. I’ve met some strong people. I’ve been in weird but interesting situations.

The thing is, I often find myself quickly drained by monotony - I’ve learnt how to create the weird in my life, I’ve met weird and intricate (and genuinely good) people I now have as friends. And sometimes I realize, yes, like Frasier, I am an elitist. Not in an educational sense, but in a life experience sense. I get bored with people who have a stereotypical path, who judge by assets and goods, probably because this is so outside of my world and different from what I’ve enjoyed of my life. In that sense, I need to accept that it is ok that those who do judge my education, by the amount of books people read and the types of books people read, by what title one has, or the amount businesses they run, by the amount of people they know or how much they’re impressed by their peers, by popularity, by standards that are not my own… Well, they have a right to. As much as I have a right to not comply to their standards.

Because I need the crazy intricate lives, the crazy intricate outlooks… I, ironically, also love finally settling in this house - something I would have never thought I’d enjoy - and feeling rooted here. I love having dogs. I love being a homebody. And yet, I love the fact that a friend of mine has done some weird - in the sense of absolutely atypical - odd jobs, that another is an inventor, that another is a poet, etc.

And no I don’t think I’m better than others, but I do enjoy different things. And it’s ok. The same way, it’s seriously ok that some if not most of the people I casually meet would be bored like hell at the life I currently live. Some prefer networking a lot. I don’t enjoy networking. I don’t enjoy what most enjoy it seems. I don’t have plans to move out right now, I don’t have plans to change country even. I don’t enjoy clubs. And yeah, that probably makes me dull for many.

It seems like I exaggerate, but let’s just say that enough people like to tell me what I should do - that ironically, it corresponds to the anti-thesis of my life as it has been so far - and you know, it’s just annoying. And like most things that are annoying, it’s like a bad rash. I try to ignore it the first time. I try to ignore it the second time. But there’s a time - around ten or something - where I’m scratching myself as if I want to remove my skin. I don’t know if it is proper to here. Honestly, my path has always been different *said with a bizarre tone*. And I’m glad that it was what it was. I’m glad that it is what it is. I know it’s been 50% luck, and 50% crazy risk taking. The kind of risks that I’d like to take at least.

I understand that my life might not be considered that interesting for others. I absolutely understand that some may feel I haven’t achieved much so far. I have no diploma, I haven’t purchased land of my own or an apartment of my own… I don’t have a group of friends that is separate from my mother (other than online) because she and I have been attracted to the same people (on a friendship level). And it is ok that others don’t like my path. Strangely, I think it can become a force for me to realize that what counts is that I am aware of how I have created a lot of what happened in my life.

They, at the very least in part, were the results of my choices. Some make me feel that they see me as just having been subjected to that life. It might have to do with my living with a woman with a very strong personality. But I know they’re wrong. I know my personality. I know how strong it is. I know I could have changed the path, changed the course of things often. I know I made the choices that made my life what it is. Whether through trusting luck, or trusting what comes. I love life that way. Such a life would not be enjoyable for many, but I loved the thrill of, in the course of one week, saying “oooh! let’s go!” Or this time, saying “ah, I don’t want to go anywhere”.

Whether my feelings have a base or whether they are just my interpretations (coming from me and solely from me) is irrelevant. Because the feelings remain. What counts, to me, is always what I do with the feelings. And yes, for most, ideally I’d settle sooner (into a decision that is, in a sense of feeling of being centered, grounded). But I guess I’m still working on that feeling of being centered, grounded.

You know, all in all, if people view my experiences as dull, my life as dull, me as unsuccessful (and needless to say, dull), it’s going to be up to me to make sure to remember that it is according to their standards. That more likely than not, I wouldn’t trade my life for theirs. EVER. That we each have different preferences. That we each have different idyllic lives.

This city is like a big huge village. A lot of cities around the world have given me that feeling too. Not as acutely as here, but enough that it is not a foreign feeling. And in that sense, this country and specifically this city is a blessing for me. Because it forces me to have to strengthen that. A lot. That feeling that I need to do me regardless. Learning to ignore the rest. Being more conscious of the types of people, types of experiences, etc. that I enjoy and seek.

I have cursed the limits. But when and as I pass these limits, I do believe it is going to make me stronger. A more receptive environment would make me ignore my tendency to give others the power to direct me. I think sometimes I forget that I’ve always felt different. Not in a major way, but in taste, in what makes me feel enriched, etc. And I think it’s essential that I learn that it’s ok. That I can be different. And that if it complicates my life, then oh well. If that keeps me single for a while longer… If it means that it is in several years that I achieve and create something that goes beyond my lifetime… Oh well.

Sometimes I get impatient. Then I realize that things happen. And the focus I’ve put in my life is different. And it’s the one I want. That the life I live is the life I’ve chosen. And that it is ok with me, really. That I even still have those crazy enriching and fulfilling experiences.

That I get to make differences here that I haven’t before, like taking care of 6 families - in terms of salaries of course, but even in terms of health care, clothes sometimes, basic necessity products sometimes. That regardless of what others know or think, I know I contribute to this financially.

The day I feel the need to tell people and remind them what I feel I achieve or have achieved will be the day I will think that pretty much all human beings are incapable of accepting that I do things they don’t see. I’ll be thinking very little of them.

Really the way that I am is still how I am happier. It still is how I am more me. With all that that entails.

The next best thing to deleting things here is cleaning things up a lot.

Changing the look.

Deleting some entries or things.

I don’t deny having written them: hey, if you’ve read them, they were there. But I like to step away from things once they’ve been said sometimes.

It might not be the way a blog should be, nor how you’d expect or want it, but I need to do that. It was there, I know it was there, but I don’t necessarily want a semi-constant reminder of it.

So voilà.

Now I’m going to take a little time to change some other stuff.

I really want to delete this blog.

Actually, I want to delete all my web presence. Profiles elsewhere, etc. I don’t want to focus as much on what to write here. And I don’t want to stress about who I am not successfully keeping in touch with (this includes blog).

I don’t know why. I suppose it would be like turning a page. It’s like a constant itch that’s been on my mind for a little while now.

So if this blog isn’t around tomorrow, don’t be surprised (I’m giving myself 24 hours to decide).

If it stays, don’t be surprised if those who know me elsewhere find out I’ve deleted most if not all of my other profiles.

There is something that I really don’t understand about men and women. Something I’ve often heard or read is that men fear commitment or are commitment-phobics. On the other hand, women are supposed to be seeking commitment.

I live for examples (practical and real life examples in my own life) and I struggle to recognize both myself, and also my mother in that. I didn’t get to talk (heart to heart) with my grandmother as much, but I wonder if she wasn’t more like “us” as well.

I make friends. I bond easily. I can also easily pour out my heart. I truly do this because I find it easier to be upfront about my shortcomings and personality traits straight away. I don’t want people to think more of me than they should. I truly hate disappointing.

But sometimes people think this is a permanent (or at least extremely intimate) bond. It isn’t, for me. I chose to be sincere because I hate bad surprises. I like people that I deem as very sincere and genuine (I believe I written before that it was a huge compliment from me). But in a way, when I share this, it’s superficial.

My warmth isn’t superficial. Who and what I am isn’t superficial. The fact that it implies a (serious) bond is. I suppose it comes from the fact that I try to be as honest as I can about my shortcomings with myself. And to me, if I can be at peace with it internally, then I can show it. At peace does not imply that I think it becomes a quality. At peace implies that I know it is in me. At peace is acknowledge (and an attempt to no longer fight it - rather focus on making it more constructive).

I wonder often if my traveling most of my life - since childhood - has affected me that way. I truly can create a warm and really friendly bond quickly, it’s just that it isn’t meant to mean “wow!!!! Best Friend Forever!” It’s 150% real in the moment. It’s 150% of me. And whenever we’ll see each other, that’s what I will offer. I’ll share my joys, share my thoughts, or potentially will force myself to smile - if I can’t stay away from you. Not because I don’t like your company. As a matter of fact, nothing to do with you.

Rather, I go into funks. Emotional and mood funks. But to me, ideally no one should really know. Now, it has nothing to do with times when I’m quiet - sometimes I feel I have tons to say (nearly regardless of whether you want to hear it), sometimes I feel like being particularly not serious and turn everything and every subject to derision, and sometimes… sometimes I just want to listen. To pay attention to body language. To pay attention to all that is around me. To listen to sounds away from where I am. To dream as well. I need those moments. And as I’ve gotten a tad bit older, I know I need to force them on people whether they freak out because I get all quiet or am much more quiet than the last time they’ve seen me or not. It’s not to make them uncomfortable. It’s just for me.

But to get back to the original subject, I want the warm of the relationship. The fun, the silliness, the deep conversations, the “aha” moments shared, the giddiness, the surprises, the thoughts and ideas and feelings that are shared and that make me take a closer look at my own. And I want all this without the “you should”s, “you ought to”s, or “you focus on foolishness”es… Etc.

I never pretend to be better than anyone, and I hope I convey that well enough. I try to remind people of the many ways I find myself lacking, not good enough, if it truly makes them feel that much more awesome about themselves. Hey, some people need that. But one thing I notice with time is that it’s not because I see my weaknesses, my failings, my lack of perfection as the proof that others are better.

And yeah, it’s only a few who make me feel they think like that. But it’s still irritating. Such people often make me feel as if they’re convinced they’ve figured it all out. And I don’t question their figuring-out of their own stuff, it’s just that I know that what applies to others may not work for me whatsoever. You know, that stereotype of the woman who meets a man, says she loves him, then once they become serious, tries to change him? I think that happens in friendships. I think that can happen in all kind of relationships.

I share emotions because I appreciate clarity. Because as someone else said elsewhere, “people find out soon enough”. I live by the principle of “let’s get all the more unpleasant stuff out of the way first”. This is because depending on the bad and how bad the bad is, I may or may not wish to involve myself in some relationships. Too much work, too many compromises… Doesn’t work for me.

As a matter of fact, either things make it for me (and I can live with it) or they don’t and I split, That is never a judgment of who the other is. It’s just that I know what I’m willing to handle. The good side is generally speaking I don’t do argument/drama in that sense. If I don’t like it, I’m gone! The bad thing is that I’ll never truly explain what it it is that is pissing me off, or that I feel I just can’t handle.

And how I write this blog man… It’s definitely all emotions - scarily so. It can be how I talk to some too. To me I need it written out, acknowledged openly, fessed up to in a way - it’s like a mind cleansing thing. Because otherwise it remains in my thoughts and I hold on to the subject on and on. It’s probably why I write such long post. I’m trying to exhaust it out of my head, so that I can move on. Here, you’re - the reader or the listener - the victim. The proof is that obviously I seriously can’t be “intimate” emotionally with most of the people who read this blog. It’s just impossible. And sometimes, I know that I freak out at the idea that someone will read this blog, recognize me on the street, and presume of an intimacy. Even if it’s just one person, I abhor the idea. I suppose it may be why I dislike the idea of being in the public eye so much. People think they can do or say what they want to you when you’re in the forefront. It’s supposed to be your job to deal with it.

But I just don’t do instant intimacy. Intimacy doesn’t just take time with me, it takes a long time. It doesn’t mean it can’t be all fun and exciting and silly and deep before. It’s just that until I reach that feeling of intimacy, you are not so much disposable as someone who I consider can be in or out of my life as fast as I snap my finger. I know I don’t get attached that easily. Honestly too, I would like to reach a point when I just don’t do attachment. That hardly means I don’t appreciate the now, the time spent, etc.

It’s just that I like to focus on the time now knowing that the fact that you may not be close to me tomorrow - theoretical talk here - will not affect how the “nice” the time now is. Nor will it have to do with you being nice or a good person. You can remain a gorgeous (or nice) being and soul and we just lose touch. We become busy. One moves.

People come, people go. I make friends, I lose contact. I seriously struggle to keep in touch partly because I’ve definitely managed to create a strong sense of detachment in terms of relationships. I remain partly attached to what you think of me (because I want it to be in the highest way possible), but not to the relationship itself. It isn’t that I don’t value it, it’s rather that I don’t want to expect it to always be there when… things happen. But maybe, just maybe, I do it all because I had to leave friends behind, because I had to restart things again… Then again, maybe it’s partly what I’m just not into!

Although all this is me justifying this feeling, this non-attachment, this need for no real permanent commitment - the Sagittarius in me? - I always think of what women say about men with similar behavior: that they’re being childish, running away from responsibilities.

Because I see how when a relationship (or in the distant past, a job, etc.) demands too much of me, it makes me feel trapped.

I don’t know if this is why I hold on so much to the need to be accepted as-is. Because in reality I’m aware that I wont change for anyone. I always remain me. If I change in reaction to someone, it’s more likely to do the opposite of what I feel they push onto me, and that certainly can be childish rebellion.

But I don’t know. Maybe I think too much.

Of course, I’ve experienced two power cuts (for the entire day) this week so far. Apparently - as I called the electric company - each time it was a question of a truck driving into the electric wires… Since most of what I do (work, play, etc.) runs on electricity, this leaves me with a lot of empty time. I’ve reorganized my floor. Moved furnitures around. Read. Walked with the dogs several times… But it still leaves a lot of open time.

I think we need to do something about those trucks!

I’m a huge fan of series. I like detective/crime solving best, along with a few thrillers, and fewer dramas.

Anyway. I was just thinking about this. Because series have given a rhythm to my life for as long as I remember (or nearly). I use to sit with my grandfather in our living room here and watch Inspecteur Derrick (German cop/crime solving serie) and the Father Dowling mysteries, and now one of my ritual is watching Diagnosis Murder with my mother. As well as CSI (LV & NY).

Please note something: what follows is quite representative of my taste. I even think that in terms of what appeals to me, it says something about who I am and what I like. But obviously taste is a personal thing and you may love the things I dislike for the exact reasons that I dislike them, and all the same hate the things I love for the exact reasons that I love them.

Yes, I did feel compelled to add that.

Series I can’t get enough of:

• The 4400 - For the dilemma. For the “choice” factor: if I had an ability that gave me potential power over others, what would I do? Would I - as I’d like - choose to do good (and would I succeed? You have some people who do choose to do good and yet harm others) or would I think of me-me-me and take advantage. It’s what I call the “One Ring” principle… Yeah!
• Heroes - Same reason. Similar in theme actually!
• Lost - The reasons why I adore Lost: the human interactions and the study of repercussions (of actions, of personalities, of behaviors). Human social behavior - because I amuse myself watching a behavior in a character I don’t like - say, Sawyer - and understanding where he may be coming from, just as I can see how Hurley or Sayid (who is my hottest character on except for the time that Mr. Eko was still around) - Another thing I love about it is the principle of “you think you’ve figured out where someone is coming from and who he/she is, but then another layer is added”. It’s how I see people, it’s what I think people are like. And I love how their - the characters’ - lives are so layered and intricate.
• Grey’s Anatomy - which I ended up watching because I remembered Julia blogging about it at some point. I figured: if she likes it I’ve got to check it out. And I love it for similar reasons to Lost: the human interactions and relationships (and reactions) and how I can relate or understand them. And I absolutely think Dr. Torres is cool, as well as have always found Dr. Yang cool - the actress that plays her. I also think Dr. Webber is HOOOOOT. Gorgeous. Divine. And a nice voice to boot.
• Wire in the Blood - Tony Hill. He’s just too cool!
• CSI (Original: Las Vegas) & CSI New York - I like the pace, I love the casts - well, much more so CSI the original than NY, but I think Sinise is pretty cool. But GRISSOM… GRISSSSSSSOM! *intense drooling* Eyegazm… The way he walks, moves, talks. Eh… I saw an episode where Nick has gained weight, and he looks way good in my book. I think I love LV best as well because they’re the one that seem to mostly use the kind of equipments I’d imagine for the actual scientific police. Plus, they’re quirky, odd, therefore my idea of “normal” people.
• Cold Case - Whenever I can. I find the principle interesting, the cast as well. The guy that plays Nick Vera (gorgeous grin and smile) and the one that plays Will Jeffries are both very handsome men too. Then again so is John Stillman.
• Pushing Daisies - It’s kind of whimsical. I got attached to the characters straight away.

Shows I extremely dislike:

• CSI Miami - the over acting, “Horacio” *gags*, the millions of split screens, the colors, the NASA equipment, the shots of girls in bikini. The main cast. I dunno. I wonder if it’s because I’ve lived in NY… And was in LV for a little. But when I think of Miami, I think of Pitbull and Miami Ink now. Maybe that’s why.

Shows I wish I could see again:

And that I can’t see either because they’re not airing around my way or they’ve just ended

• Frasier - way too much my sense of humor. I adore Niles too. But I think I’m Frasier, so I don’t know what that says about me. (Niles is just a good good person, and doesn’t take himself too seriously, yet is extremely intelligent… Ah. But to please me!)
• Seinfield - !!!! Uh! I LOOOOOOOOOVED that show!
• Married with Children - Oh! That rocked my teens
• Living Single - I love Latifah, I think Kim Coles is hot and I use to severely fantasize over her man on the show.
• In Living Color - just too funny.
• Monk - I think Tony Shalhoub is a cutie.

There’s a few more probably.

I feel the need to check out (because some people who share taste with me seem to like it):

My name is Earl - my mamma thinks it’s funny and someone online who had a few shows I love on her list of TV shows enjoys it.

Anyway, I was wondering if my love of crime series - note that Wire in the Blood is particularly gory sometimes - had to do with Agatha Christie novels all around my house, along with Exbrayat novels - I think he’s French, but I may be mistaking. I must have read them all by the time I turned eleven.

These cracked me up: (I’m liking to the posts, I’m taking no responsibility for any comment to the posts themselves… Hey, I don’t even take any responsibilities for the posts!)

I Hate CSI Miami

I still hate CSI Miami

I’m introspective, analytical, and love to aim to see the bigger picture (which helps me remove the over-emotional sides of me).

You know all this by now.

But I truly love it when someone comments on how they relate to what I say. I think it’s because it partly validates my analysis. Note that I don’t think that an analysis is necessarily a solution. It’s just that it makes me feel as if I’ve managed to capture a more complete picture of the emotion… So when you comment, even if that’s what you leave on this blog and even if then don’t comment again, it helps makes me feel good. Truly.

It’s probably why I enjoy reading some of those blogs on that blogroll thingy too! Because I can relate that much to so many posts. And why I can’t at all - for the life of me - enjoy absolutely non-emotional blogs. If it’s all math or science or facts, it’s like reading a factual book (like schoolbooks in school). There is nothing for me to say about it.

By the way this is sincere. Just in case you’re wondering.

But one of the problem when I write from the heart is that although it’s clear to me, I can later see how to make it clearer the next time I read it…

I wish conversations were like that. That I could keep adding details over time.

I’ve spoken to a few people who seem to have experience something similar to me: it’s gotten cold quickly here, and for the past weeks we seemed to have shared a sort of lack of motivation (for work, etc) and drop in energy.

I’m drinking energy “tonic” now every day. As well as working on keeping busy (regardless of how constructive the busy is for now).

Hopefully that will help.

I know. It must be tiring to follow me through my moods and emotional ups and downs.

To be honest, I don’t remember when my moods didn’t fluctuate as much. They go through cycles like that ever since I was 8 or something. I can blame it on the blood, on genetics. But Fact is: I’ve worked on them. They’re not as aggravating (or as weird to handle as they once were). I could, of course, focus on the fact that the ideal is that they are gone. But I’m not there yet.

And I am intent on celebrating the small victories.

Another thing I plan to do is not mention my body image or weight issues here anymore. Just because I partly wonder if doing so can make some put more focus on it/theirs (and it’s not something I feel is necessary) and also because I seriously would like to keep a positive tone on this blog.

Basically, I like to keep everyone else that I know on a “good time” basis with me. We’re there just to enjoy each others’ company, it’s fun, it’s non committal, there is no guilt tripping, there is no over involvement in each others’ lives or choices, no judgment, etc. It’s just about pleasure and fun.

Then there is the ones I show my bossiness to, my aggressiveness to, those that get to see me wallow sometimes, those that see all those things I want to change - and in front of which I get extremely impatient with in terms of my change. Those with whom I don’t try to smile (if I don’t feel like it), those with whom I make the least efforts. My mom, and me.

I’m working on not doing it with my mom anymore. It’s like someone who comes home and vent on the kids, wife, husband, whatever. I do feel it’s unfair. So I’m working on that.