Seeking balance
I’ve written a few drafts that covered what I want to look like to how I plan to work on my ego (and self image).
It’s funny. I often think that people think I’m lying (and just seeking compliments) when I say I don’t like how I look. When I say I don’t find myself pretty, or whatever. But I know I believe it. The strange thing is that I seem to want (and do seek) the compliments. It’s because since I’ve put so much weight on what others thought of me for most of my conscious life, I hope I’ll start believing it. Strangely still, I either just say ‘thank you’ or I disagree, whichever way, I never believe it.
On the other hand, when I get criticized or put down, that I do believe. And I think those kind of comments hurt the way they do because they actually are thoughts or opinions on who I am that others speak aloud. Basically, they hurt because I do believe them. It’s funny that way I guess. It doesn’t matter what others think of me, if I don’t believe it or if I believe the opposite…
Dumb? Foolish? Childish? A serie of failures? Ugly? Fat? No achievement throughout a lifetime? Part of me does think so. Part of me dissagrees, but the louder voice is the one that is never satisfied with what I do or what I am.
It may sound foolish, if only because I don’t believe you can survive through life without having achieved something. And I tell others how looks are such a personal thing - which is something I believe. I find women (and men) of all shape that I find really sexy. And it’s not a size thing in terms of weight. I think I could weight 40 kg or 88 lbs and still find myself to be the ugliest thing ever.
As such, I believe the work I need to do on myself is seriously on that.
Another thing is, I believe you can be sexy/strong/a success in any shape and in any condition. Without/with kids, with/without education, living with/without your parents. I can see - once again - others and recognize their success. Whether it’s judge Amy (on Judging Amy) who lives with her mother. Or friends who live in a family cluster and are successful in the arts - with an irregular but substantial income. Friends or people who look like no magazine centerfold but who I find breathtaking.
To me, their success lies in one thing: they found their natural “comfort” and productive zone. They found that zone that makes them glow, the one that makes them strong individuals. A zone that has nothing to do with what is expected from the outside world but has to do with how content and confident they feel.
And that is the zone I’m seeking. And I need to stop making it about what others are expecting.
Leave a Reply