I want that buff body but just for me, not others

So, yeah. I’m back to working on buffing up.

I’ve visited a site called Muscles with Attitude and think I will keep visiting it. I’m not working on building a bodybuilder’s body, but I want muscles + curves, like the pics of the Figure competitors but with more fat or muscles - I don’t want to look that lean. Lean isn’t quite attractive to me (in a woman’s body). Hey, if you’re lean, don’t take it personally. Some think above a size 6 is too big. That’s cool. I think less than a size 8 (maybe 10) is not for me. For one, it isn’t appealing to my eyes, and also, it’s not the norm most women are encouraged to follow.

I think it fits with my rebellious streak.

Why? Big and muscular is not what I think society (here at least) expects from a woman’s body. Maybe because on average it seems the women from this city (Tana) are petite and thin (there are, of course, some exceptions - thus the average).

By buffing my body I get to satisfy my inner rebel (hopefully while keeping people at a - long - distance and not giving them any reason to give feedback or make comments), while working on making peace with my body.

And I would hate to be small, because everyone (slight exaggeration) seems to want me to be small. I don’t want (at all) to be what people pester me to be. As a matter of fact, the more they mention it or make an issue of my weight, the less I want to be small. The compromise I’ve found in terms of harmonizing how I look and eliminating weight gain/loss fluctuations is buffing up. I want to communicate (silently through body language and appearance) I will tear off your arm if you talk about my weight or what I should eat again.

I know I said I want to give less weight to what others think or say of me (or what I do, or how I look). But so far, aggressiveness (in addition to a sort of isolation) is the only remedy I’ve found. I want to look neither friendly nor welcoming. Because friendly and welcoming (and my negative tendency to spend more time apologizing than anything else) seem to be an encouragement for people to say what they think without even thinking of how rude they sound (or how it’s non-of-their-business). I think the saying “any criticism is good criticism” (or however the saying goes) doesn’t work for me right now. Of course, it’s never one or three, it often ends up being ten in three successive days.

Well, at least it’s the objective.

Also, it’s a project to work on (my bod!) and it’s a permanent project (with no real “end” because it’s then about to maintain the balance I’m happy with).

Another thing I am currently doing is putting away all my skirts and dresses - except for 1 dress for formal occasions. I don’t know. I’m really into toning down the feminine in me. Actually, I want to make my boobies and behind as invisible as possible for a little while. I want to be as invisible as possible while being able to do my thing.

I think I (a huge) have an issue with appearing sexual - and particularly the kind of people it attracts, the kind of comments it attracts, and how much it makes people comment on my appearances or my looks.

I know I mention the comments on the looks a lot. Seriously, it’s a big subject of frustrations for me. My mother told me not so long ago that when people meet me they tend to mention my looks and it makes me block them henceforth. (I’ve got that disgusting permanent “exotic look” that encourages it). I wasn’t quite conscious of it, but I do feel she’s got something there.

Ironically, since the last time I remember really feeling I looked great (and completely accepted how I looked - face + body) is a whiiiiiiiiiiile back, I think unconsciously I do tend to seek that validation (and those comments about my looks). It’s like a catch 22. I do it but I hate the results. So I have to find a way to not need (and therefore not seek) any validation (in general, but more specifically in terms physical appearance). Of course, for that, it’s confidence that I have to work on. And not the fleeting kind this time.

I think that my dealing with this will require a two step thing. I need to learn to eliminate negative self-talk and increase my confidence (in what I do and who I am… And inevitably what I have to offer as a human being). Then I need to simultaneously learn to deal with people outside my house.

I mean, basically, I can work myself to a fairly good level of confidence when at home, but most times, when I go out and after several jabs from others, it ends up being what I remember - probably because it corresponds to my negative self image. So to not react to it, I need to fight the part of me that agrees with it.

People have found things I do or how I live wrong for a long time. Whether it’s living with my mom, not liking night clubs, not liking dancing - I tell people I don’t like to dance, their reaction is always to tell me “no, you’re just too self conscious“. So? If I don’t enjoy it, why want to absolutely convert me? Same thing goes for most things. If it doesn’t hurt me and doesn’t hurt you, and isn’t illegal, who cares how I do things? Of course, what people define as hurting me here would be interesting. I think my being single for so long to some people is a way of hurting myself (or something).

I don’t understand. I have people who I enjoy sharing with. I have love in my life. A whole lot of it. I have acceptance, I have passions, I find marvelous things to discover and learn about… There is no void per say. People tell me there is a void. People tell me that I can’t be complete as such. The same way, people tell me that I can’t be accepted as such, that how I live is in discord with them.

A while back, a man I know told me “you’re never going to meet a guy unless you lose some weight“. And this is a general train of thought (and logic) that many adopt. Thing is, even feeling strong in my belief that I have a lot to offer and that I am certainly willing to wait for the right person (and have no interest in bonding for the sake of bonding - or even sleeping with someone for the sake of it), people always making me feel what I’m doing is wrong is a bit hard to ignore. Then I start questioning. Then I get depressed. Than I think I’ve got to change to something I wont necessarily be happy with because it will make me more acceptable (and maybe make people shut up).

But I certainly don’t want to do it for those reasons! I don’t want to change for others.

And it’s likely that the type of person I’d make happy as-is (and who would also make me happy as-is) is neither born nor conceived yet. Or maybe he’s a priest, or a monk. Oh well.

If romance is about “love” then there are countless ways of sharing the love. There are numerous ways of receiving it as well.

I’m hardly cut off from the world or isolating myself. I go to diners with fabulous people nearly every week. I have incredible (or silly and fun and enriching) conversations. I just really need to filter out the people who are going to judge me (or try to change me) out.

I’m far from saying I’m perfect. (I’d bore myself to tears if I was) I’m just working at my own pace (and as I see fit) on making my life more and more as I want it. I’m constantly working on improving myself. My work skills, my friendship skills, my daughter-hood skills…

I know a lot of people who thought that the day I would move out of my mother’s house I’d be a “regular 20 something”. I’d go out. Party. Date. But I didn’t. I didn’t because I hate the party scene, I went out occasionally but with people whose company I enjoy (which nearly always involved my mother, as we have most of our friends in common). Plus it’s cheaper (gas is expensive). And I do find many people bore me - and I know I bore some people to death.

The people who trip out and talk about the things that interest me tend to be here between 40 and 70. Seriousssly trippy people! They’ve traveled, they read cool books, they love cool movies… They mostly have (and have had) very rich lives (inner and outer) - my friends… *sigh with glee* - and are very open minded. They’re also the ones who pay the least attention to the physical and speak the most about growth (of self and in life), who speak about the political subjects I enjoy either speaking or learning about. They don’t really care how I’m dressed, they don’t care about my physique.

They take me as is because their lives are way too full as is for them to want to either change me or for them to devote time to making me what they want. They’re also the ones who I feel deal best with my need to be alone often. (I like both: being alone often and regularly meeting up with these friends who make me feel re-impowered and strengthened - maybe a tad bit smarter too). These friends make me think of good “masters” (of course in terms of my friends I mean in life lessons… Potentially in wisdom, definitely in the choices I haven’t made - theirs - or paths I haven’t taken and in practical or political knowledge) from martial art movies: they let me take my own path, make my own choices (and probable mistakes) because they know my life is about me and not them. They just make me feel they’re there for me. They uplift me and as such I chose to try to uplift them.

Of course, there are probably variation of these friends that are younger than 40 in this city. Different, but with those traits. I know I read the blogs of a few of them.

But those closer to my age that I see in Real Life… They make me feel limited. They don’t give me that surge of energy (a bit metaphysical here eh? you know what I mean) nor do they really enjoy speaking about the things I want. Sure, I don’t really prompt them, but I’m wayyyy too lazy to prompt. With the above mentioned friends (amongst whom is a 17 year old - please note that my notion of friend might not be yours… ) there’s no prompting: that’s just what they’re about - the subjects that interest me - and what they like to talk about. It naturally always comes back to that.

The “younger people” (lol-ing because this includes people who are older than me) do not share interests with me as much - if at all. Things they like bore me, things I like bore them. But of course, I do find people “around my age” (or my generation) with enough in common for me (that like the stay in the “mental sphere” and intermingle it with “the emotional sphere”) here online. And that’s cool. I do get the balance.

So as I say all this, I think my issue isn’t with the friends. The few that have made such comments I’m working on seeing a bit less of.

Nor is it with making new friendships. I meet new fascinating people often enough that I truly am never bored. Online, offline. I know a great table in town where the owner seems to know the most intricate and interesting multi-layered personalities (subjects for my writing!). My issues and self doubt - and resulting depression and self-depreciation - as of late result from absolute strangers getting into my business (waitresses, salespersons… everybody wants to be my diet counselor. It’s sickening).

Rationally speaking: people will not change. Some people here will always give those unsolicited advice, make those rude comments, etc. I know. I just have to learn how to shut it out - and shut such people out. Since I have such great friends, I must admit that the easiest thing for me is to ignore anyone I don’t already know and like (or love).

I’m lazy.

Do you think this means I’ll only fall for a 70 year old guy? I recently had a train of thought that naturally ended up with me needing an eccentric world traveler with a passion for sci-fi, very open minded (what I call a “good traveler”), that enjoys going from diner at one set of friends’ house to a diner at another set of friends’ house - potentially at the restaurant too -, capable of spending time alone, relaxed, gentle, not patronizing (doesn’t mean he agrees with everything I say or think or do, just that he makes sure he doesn’t judge me - no you should, you will, stop doing, don’t)… A mad scientist.

When I was a teenager - and much more confident (still kind of self doubting and all… But I pulled up a good front and began to believe it) - I think some people like talking to me (even people I knew very little about) because I answered to those asking for my opinion in a way that said they (others) probably feel like… such and such when you say/do such and such. I hated the principle of giving advice. I liked to show the other person’s potential perspective. It used to be my “special ability”… *silly chuckling*

To explain the “motivations”. I’ve always found interesting to explain why people do or react a certain way. Ramifications. Seeing below the layers of people. That’s why I wanted to be a psychologist.

I’ve lost that ability. Or I only use it for myself now. But I think I should work on getting it back. Because I see judgments lurking in what I say sometimes now. And if I don’t like it done to me, I should certainly not do it to others.

~ by Insane Mind on May 9, 2008.