Active changes

First of all, I’d like to apologize. Because of my weird posting/non-posting/deleting-posts. Because I have not really commented on any blog, and I’ve since wanted to delete badly the few comments I have posted - the incoherence and obvious irritable/irrational/angry/bitchy tone of ‘em is freaky. (If I’ve done it to you: delete ‘em. I know. I shouldn’t have posted them to begin with. I know. I know.) Because of this, I am likely to hold on and not comment for a little while. My objective is to post here on the other hand, partly to share the few things I want to (and need to, and am) actively work(ing) on right now.

I’m navigating through a weird serie of mood swings, frustrating times, low energy, anger and more. I’ve also been trying to analyze a few things and a few behavioral patterns that I have and with which I have issues.

For one: my body image issues. I think I have one main issue here that is the root of much of my frustrations. I give way too much importance to what others think or say. Seriously. Something I’ve noticed that I do whether I’m seeking validation actively or not is that compliments come, and I welcome them and all, but it’s the criticism, judgment and such that I really hold on to. I think that to be at peace with my choice of anything and everything, I need to really make a point to not pay attention to the opinion of others on it. Of course, my entire life I’ve always given weight to what others thought. I even considered them to be likely to be more objective then me. But I don’t think it’s helping me - at least not as my character currently is.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that being fat is the ultimate rebellion for me. By being fat I don’t look like everyone else. I as a matter of fact actively show that I don’t want to really fit “the norm”.

I’m actually far from being a rebel at all. I’m pretty darn conventional in many ways, I like appearing well, and even I’ve often “prettified” (makeup, fancy clothes and all) myself when staying at home and at other times left the house as a bum. I recently realized that I have a huge issue with people thinking I do it either for them or for the opposite sex. Nothing that I do to my body or physical appearance is for others. It’s so that I feel great - which may result in an attraction from the opposite sex - but it is never for others. It’s selfish. Seriously.

But to me people have always commented on looks or how I chose to appear. Sometimes it’s felt as if it was the only value I had/have for them. Of course, that’s them. But I feel I’ve often found myself trying to prove I had more to offer. At the same time, not getting that validation has been frustrating at times.

So I think I need to work on that.

A second thing I think I need to work is an unhealthy lifestyle: I don’t sleep much at night which often results in sleeping late in the day. I also tend to workout like a madwoman - I try to do 25 to more repetitions and 5 sets of one exercise, I also try to do HIIT except that since I’m so focused on the result (a buff but feminine body) I never think I look ok (although I’d last lost about twenty kilos I still though I look ugly and was slightly - if not more - self hating body-wise). The result is the tiredness and soreness I’ve been feeling. Add to that occasional but darn heavy drinking (I have an issue: I don’t feel the effect of alcohol - I remain tipsy for a long time - until I get to a pretty bad state and of course still think I’m just tipsy…

This means I’m likely to drink more.) so I decided to just stop drinking altogether. Sure, maybe I don’t have to go cold turkey because I don’t have most of the symptoms of alcoholism (I have a bad habit of reading symptoms and therefore deciding that I have some hence have nearly every illness in the world) but I do think one can live life without alcohol and it surely ain’t going to hurt if I stop - I’m thinking the occasional birthday party or something 1 to 2 glasses is ok, and a total avoidance of hard liquor for sure -.

It probably doesn’t help that I think alcohol makes me very emotional (which means emotionally needy, more instable moods, and a slight incoherence). Honestly, I’ve always wanted - secretly or not secretly I don’t know - to be like Bree from Desperate Housewives: I wish I was that controlled, with the perfect appearance, perfect house, etc. Of course, I don’t want to do the work (for the house stuff) but I think I can pull up a fairly serious appearance when I want.

Third but not last, I’m working on a change in appearance to the outside world: I’m trying to calm myself for myself and regain that lost zen nature of mine. I also want to appear much less (if at all) sexual or feminine in many ways. It may sound odd to you but it’s absolutely rational to me: the best time of my life in terms of how others approached me was in my teens: I was quiet often, talkative to my friends, appeared as a dorky tomboy weird chick, and I like that. It keeps the most superficials away - and it made me feel free to be myself.

When I last lost weight - I’ve regained nearly all and it happened pretty fast too: I think I was on a mission to reset and alienate (and rebel again maybe too) - I adopted a style (dress and all) that was fairly flamboyant (reddish-blond hair people…!) and ultra feminine. The result was an appearance that was very sexual I think and needless to say it attracted people who like that - and a few were/are very superficial. The antithesis of the people I feel at ease with. I like the geeks, dorks, loners, originals and freaks out there with very full lives that make them passionate - they’re the one I feel the most at peace with. They’re also the one who are neither needy (it turns me off) nor let me act too needy with them. Since they make me feel absolutely accepted (obviously, those are the ones I want close to me) and don’t judge me nor my choices, I don’t feel as much the need to have every other decision or thought validated by them. Sure, people like that (particularly the full life + no judgment + acceptance part) are rare, but hey, makes one appreciate them all the more.

I do believe that to get what I want from others, all I need is to adapt how I present myself (of course, figuring out what is me and gets what I want is where it becomes fun/interesting). I did post a few posts on how I felt zen, at peace and all. And to me, my life is a constant work on making that feeling remain. My constant goal is to feel centered and to maintain a good internal balance so that I can adapt to what life brings me and the lessons ahead… and learn from past lessons too.

I have no plans to move from my current environment. As such, I think I need to work on how to ideally work with my environment.

Please understand, I’m not seeking pity. This is not a poor me post. This is a “what I’m doing right now” and “if you think there is a problem or you have an issue, work on it/fix it” post.

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