A mother for all the wrong reasons?

I’ve been wondering about something… A little while back, I wrote an entry on the blog that I deleted as soon as it was published (chances are those on Bloglines read it anyway: I noticed that Bloglines prints out entries that have been deleted…). It was about adoption and the fact that I consider it something I’ll do sooner and later.
So far I’ve given myself five years to “get my stuff together” and create a solid enough foundation for when I do want to make that concrete. So far, I find I feel my own life lacks stability. Specifically financial stability: I spend as if I have no real reason to save. And it has worked for me so far. But I’m conscious that it wont always work. It probably would also help that I finally work on getting my driving license, and that I solidify my sense of self: no breakdown when enough people have commented and criticized what I do/how I live/who I am… *eyebrow twitch*. Why? For some reason (my own reasons) if child I have, I want it to know and feel I am rock solid, that base he/she can rely on to always be constant. I’d like to do it for myself, but for my own experience I’m willing for it to take time. I just want it to be solid for a child of my own though.

Thing is, I strangely have realized that I want to raise - and offer all the opportunities I can - to at least one child (3 would be my theoretical max… But remember I have no kids… so this is still theoretical… Maybe after one kid I’d scream “YIKES! I can’t take care of more!”) not because I desperately want a kid or something. I’d be fine not having any kid per say. That’s why I sometimes tell (some) friends that whether I could have a kid or not, I’ve decided to warn any potential mate (boyfriend thingy) that I may very much not be able to conceive… Why? I heard this tale on a man I know who left his wife (then later remarried) because he found out that his first wife was sterile. I would rather be rid of the doubt, of the potential disappointment…

So why have I always (since my teens) considered adoption as a part of my future… I’m torn between calling it a sense of duty and a strong belief that I do have that love to give. If one considers love as the foundation of a parent-child relationship, then add to that that I also see: compassion, support, and a solid background that provides for all the energy and power to be thyself as great (and essential for me) additions. I think I can provide all that.

Of course, knowing me, I’d like to take the time to do it right. Probably because I’m such a sucker for slow but solid and concrete. I said I’m working on starting the process in five years. My idea of starting the process may very well be different from yours… Ah. They could inherit the house. No worries about the family name anymore…

Sorry. Daydreaming according to my very traditional standards…

I’d need to do something about the flees in this house before though. I heard that they live well in wood(need areas). This house might as well be all wood there’s so much wood everywhere…

I’ll probably add something at another time, but as I said: two more contracts that are just waiting for me to work on them. Sorry Facebook and/or MySpace friends, sorry bloggers I’ve grown to love… Give a little before I start spamming (or something like it) your blogs…

~ by Insane Mind on April 20, 2008.