Anger Management (I need my NYC-inhaler)

For some reason, it seems to me like in general, people seem to associate nice, quiet, submissive behavior and their synonyms with idiot, fool, and ideal victim.

I knew a kid that once asked his mother why “you sometimes have to be mean for people to show you respect“.

To me submissive behavior is a choice. Well, at the very least, mine has been. It has been avoidance for me - I think and feel.

As far as I’m concerned, what differentiates us - as humans - from the rest of the animal kingdom is choice. Some people disagree, and that’s fine. It doesn’t change the fact that I think this is true from my own experience and witnessing of life.

[warning: from here on, I have no intention of censoring myself in terms of cursing] 

I don’t see choice as something easy. Sometimes it is. But often which choices are easy is a question of people, their personality and their own life experience/baggage. The instinctive side of life - the uncontrolled passionate (animal) sides of us: hate, anger, violence, cruelty (wanting to hurt for the pleasure/sake of hurting), egotism, etc. - is what comes the easiest, what is most natural - automatic behaviors. Also, responses based on past experience - regardless of what we are facing and how it may or may not differ from our own experience - fit here for me. Our mind and the rational aspects of us are what give us the opportunity to step back from those behaviors.

Niceness or wanting to be nice, complimentary, appreciated too are all things that are natural to me. That doesn’t mean I always succeed. The passionate (animal) side of us doesn’t need to be bad, as I don’t find any animal is necessarily bad. One can love passionately, one can live passionately and positively, one can instinctively react nicely and passionately. But I can tell you for a fact that I’ve acted out all of the things I list above. I personally think 99.7 % (or something) of the world population has/does act(ed) out those traits.

In my own case, I can see how it has always been a choice. Of course, it makes it easier to chose if you consider yourself aware of the fact that how you behave and what you create is a choice. I see this as a principle of Buddhism philosophy. For some people, some traits are harder to manage (walk away from), and for others, it is other traits that cause problems. We each have our most instinctive behavior.

Today, for example, I feel angry. And hateful. I feel it’s a building of tension that has been building for a while now. If you look at my past posts, I keep coming back to a behavior that is irritating to me. And I think I’m getting to a point where I feel that the next person that behaves like that - regardless of whether it’s the first time they do with me or not - could be the victim of what I consider is my retaliation.

I’m not physically violent. I can’t remember myself ever - in my entire life - getting into a physical fight. I might have, but I can’t remember it at all. This is when I start thinking this is proof that I’m a coward, a sissy and what not. This said, I can be cruel. I personally think that anyone and everyone - even the sweetest person you can think of - can be cruel.

Pain can be inflicted in numerous ways, and my way of retaliating involves the destruction of your ego, your self-image. Probably because when people irritate me or anger me, it’s often been my interpretation that they were attacking my self-image. This is what I’ve felt - because it’s often involved them going on and on about what I felt sensitive about, even after I made it clear that we could move on to another subject. You may disagree to the fact that this was their intention - it doesn’t change that it is what I felt.

Some do it consciously, others because that’s their ingrained behavior/communication style or something.

A perfect example of the latter is people who like to pick on people.

They know what you dislike about yourself, or something that irritates you. And, what is even more irritating and aggravating for me - is that sometimes they go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about it.

For some, it’s their way - strangely - of showing affection or something. These are the ones I’m quickest to forgive.

For others, it’s their own ego issues - they hurt you because they only feel they exist by bringing you down, they can only think highly of themselves by making you feel/appear lower than them. And for others still… I suppose they’re either terribly unaware of what they’re doing (fucking aggravating and irritating me, for example).

Some people have no tact.

It’s very complicated to bring up to someone that, in a way, who they are is an irritant to who you are, at some point. This doesn’t always irritate me like this by the way. It is a question of build up. And no - the people I’m thinking of that ticked me off to this point do not read this blog. And yes I do see them as nice people overall. And I’m sure I annoy them on some levels too. But right now - it’s about my recurrent getting pissed-off issue, not their behavior as much as my reaction to/handling of it.

[start of generalization]

I see myself as living in a society where some of the ingrain mentality, communication methods and behavior embody what I mention as irritating above. I don’t know if it’s the natural culture or a result/influence of our former colonizer. Because I see this as a fairly typical trait of the citizens & mentality of our former colonizer.

[end generalization - beware, generalizations are hidden in this entire entry!]

I’m not trying to aggress nor accuse anyone in particular, and if you read this and recognize yourself in this, I seriously am not judging you. I have my own issues - I see myself as very naturally selfish/egotistical, and it’s a constant battle for me to remember that the world does not need to accommodate itself to work with me nor make my life easier, nor that anything is owed to me at all. I also feel that if I don’t control it, I naturally can be fairly cruel. It’s not about you. It’s about me learning to deal with what surrounds me - including others.

Until now, I pretty much repress any anger in me 99% of the time. And then, in general, the problem is that it keeps building up. Until I finally reach a point where there is this one person. What they say might actually be inoffensive. It might be in no way at all intended to be cruel. But it is that one extra thing that makes me tip. And bam. I will project the faces of all and anyone that I didn’t attack back in the past - sometimes this is over X years of anger - and I will hit + hit + hit + hit + hit + hit + hit + hit + hit + hit your ego until I can see and read the pain on your face and I know I’ve hurt your soul, your ego and that the pain will last. And I am happy to know that I’m leaving bruises that wont heal easily. This is where, to protect myself from self-anger/self-hate, I hide behind the fact that I feel you deserved it, and that it will teach you a lesson in humility. And that maybe this will teach anyone that was a witness that you shouldn’t irritate me.

But whatever I hide behind, I can say for a fact that based on my moral standards and life principles, this behavior is unacceptable. It is bad. Period. Regardless of why I do it - it can be justified, found excuses for (past hurt, bla bla bla) - but I am at that moment everything I hate: an extremely insensitive and cruel (hurting just to hurt) human being.

To me, I should always walk away. Violence - as I see what I do as verbal violence - is never the answer and should always be avoided. I feel it is only when you feel absolutely cornered, that you have considered every other option possible, that you’ve looked for options you may have overlooked and found none that you have the most excuses to fight back. Any other time, the best (and wisest) solution is backing off and walking away.

I know I may seem to make all of this sound dramatic and all. If you kind of know me, you’ve seen me act like a cry baby when people have said hurtful comment, if you know for more then 15 years, you actually have seen me cry (fairly quickly), or smack myself as - strangely - my form of retaliation. That’s my nearly last defense system. I’m not saying it’s intelligent, but making someone feel bad has been my way of not acting out my desire to hit them back. Neither are efficient in the long term to me now. Probably why I feel the need to be so PC (politically correct for non-English speakers), and try (not always successfully) show compassion for others and try to understand their point of view/position. Sometimes though, I reach a point where I don’t care.

I never get physical in terms of anger because I hate pain. I’m scared of pain. I’m lucky in life because I’ve been fairly spared in terms of physical cruelty - besides getting pushed in stairs, shoved and what not, nothing extremely bad/violent has happened to me and the few times I’ve been smacked, it was more a fear of the pain than the pain itself that shocked me. Maybe that’s why it’s easier for me to avoid expressing physical violence.

Emotional pain - insults, etc. (I’ve gone on and on about them in other posts) - are much more of what I’ve experienced. That’s probably why I know how bad it can make you feel. And it helps that I’m fairly sensitive to moods and pain, and fairly quickly can see what can hurt you because you show somehow that it makes you sensitive. It doesn’t always work, but I nearly always can sense it.

Essentially, I’ve always tried to use that knowledge to avoid other people’s sensitive subject/emotional sore spots. Because I know how it feels. I too hate having weaknesses. And if I like you and you’re essentially positive with me, I’ll protect you.

All this was actually said and done because I might need to stay away and just quiet my mind for a few days. It’s not you - whoever reads this. I’m not angry at anyone in particular - not even me. I do see this as my problem. Because I can’t - as a true Hermit I am not - avoid others, and I can see this as a recurring issue of mine. I just need to find ways of dealing with this in the most constructive way possible. I do chose to see my behavior as my choice - and I just want to make sure I chose the right choice.

Of course, I have an additional excellent excuse, which is that I need to work!

In the meantime, stay peaceful. There’s way too much hate in humanity as it is (however little it may seem to you - a little is already too much as far as I am concerned). Right now, I’m extremely irritated by politics, the weather and the cold in my apartment, and humans that mistreat animals and other humans that can’t defend themselves.

My (weird) stress relief technique #1: find ways to laugh in as concentrated-doses as possible and as often as you can over a certain time period. I’m going to work on this over the coming 72 hours.

What made me grin today: (Recommendation: Read quote first, then the title! - and yeah… Guess what’s my take on US Politrix)

But How Can We Tell?
Father: You see, girls, there is an election coming up, and so far we have only had boring white men. This time we could have a black man or a woman as our president!
Four-year-old daughter: But Daddy, we’re white!
Father: Yes, but we aren’t boring.

–Metro-North train

Overheard by: Emily
via Overheard in New York, Jul 5, 2007

And sometimes… I just miss the NYC Insanity (maybe I’m the reincarnation of an MTA conductor):

Wednesday One-Liners Get the Door Prize
Conductor: All doors are created equal. Please use all available doors.

–4 train

Overheard by: Maggie

Conductor, at 34th St: Stand clear of the closing doors, please. [At 42nd St] Yo, stand clear the doors. [At 50th St] Yo, stand clear the bloody doors. [At 7th Ave] Yo, I ain’t playin’! Stand clear the fuckin’ doors!

–E train

Conductor: Listen, folks. I’m paid by the hour, so I can wait here all day. But if you want to get home, please get those idiots blocking the doors the hell inside the car. Thank you.

–3 train

Conductor on PA: Ladies and gentlemen, this is High Street. The next stop is Broadway-Nassau. Stand clear of the closing doors. You the maaan!

–C train

Overheard by: The Man

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, doors don’t hold people! People hold doors.

–R train

Conductor to woman who jammed her stroller into the subway doors: That was unbelievable. You are unbelievable. You just used a baby to hold open the doors.

–3 train, 14th St

Overheard by: clarence rosario

via Overheard in New York, Dec 27, 2006

Wednesday-One-Liners Will Be Held in the Station Momentarily…Thank You for Your Patience
Conductor: There are seats towards the back of the train.
Keep walking! Sometime today, people. What did you stop for? Keeeep walking!

–Train to Grand Central

Overheard by: Muffin

Conductor: Where’s the other guy? Raj, if you can hear me, you can come pick up your My Little Pony from the booth.

–LIRR, Hempstead station

Subway station announcement: Because of an earlier incident, all trains are now running.

–Union Square Station

Overheard by: E Moran

Conductor: This is 36th Street. Step to the side and let all the monkeys off the train. Let the monkeys off the train.

–Queens bound N train

Conductor: Ladies and Gentlemen, this is an extremely crowded F train. Next stop is Jay Street, and by this time it’s official, every person in New York is on this train. Please stand clear of the closing doors, if you can.

–Coney Island bound F train

Overheard by: F Train Sloper

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the next stop is 59th Street. And if you haven’t voted and are thinking of voting for Bush, please see the movie Fahrenheit 9/11. Thank you. Stand clear of the closing doors.

–4 Train, 42nd St

Overheard by: Jonny

Conductor: You have yourself a satisfying Thursday.

–F train

via Overheard in New York, Oct 25, 2006

~ by Insane Mind on July 14, 2007.