Seeking balance

I’ve written a few drafts that covered what I want to look like to how I plan to work on my ego (and self image).

It’s funny. I often think that people think I’m lying (and just seeking compliments) when I say I don’t like how I look. When I say I don’t find myself pretty, or whatever. But I know I believe it. The strange thing is that I seem to want (and do seek) the compliments. It’s because since I’ve put so much weight on what others thought of me for most of my conscious life, I hope I’ll start believing it. Strangely still, I either just say ‘thank you’ or I disagree, whichever way, I never believe it.

30 things I want to do before I turn 30

Or: 30 things I want to do (or learn to do) before or by the time I turn 30.

I want that buff body but just for me, not others

So, yeah. I’m back to working on buffing up.

I’ve visited a site called Muscles with Attitude and think I will keep visiting it. I’m not working on building a bodybuilder’s body, but I want muscles + curves, like the pics of the Figure competitors but with more fat or muscles - I don’t want to look that lean. Lean isn’t quite attractive to me (in a woman’s body). Hey, if you’re lean, don’t take it personally. Some think above a size 6 is too big. That’s cool. I think less than a size 8 (maybe 10) is not for me. For one, it isn’t appealing to my eyes, and also, it’s not the norm most women are encouraged to follow.

Active changes

First of all, I’d like to apologize. Because of my weird posting/non-posting/deleting-posts. Because I have not really commented on any blog, and I’ve since wanted to delete badly the few comments I have posted - the incoherence and obvious irritable/irrational/angry/bitchy tone of ‘em is freaky. (If I’ve done it to you: delete ‘em. I know. I shouldn’t have posted them to begin with. I know. I know.) Because of this, I am likely to hold on and not comment for a little while. My objective is to post here on the other hand, partly to share the few things I want to (and need to, and am) actively work(ing) on right now.

I’m navigating through a weird serie of mood swings, frustrating times, low energy, anger and more. I’ve also been trying to analyze a few things and a few behavioral patterns that I have and with which I have issues.

Some days you need to stay away from everybody

Ok. Deleted my last post. I still think it, I’m just not sure I want to share it. I’m so sick of so many things (and particularly types of people).

I’m in a weird mood lately. I think I need to stay away. For now. I hate not being positive.

A mother for all the wrong reasons?

I’ve been wondering about something… A little while back, I wrote an entry on the blog that I deleted as soon as it was published (chances are those on Bloglines read it anyway: I noticed that Bloglines prints out entries that have been deleted…). It was about adoption and the fact that I consider it something I’ll do sooner and later.

This is like a bad serie that keeps playing

I’m behind on everything Internet related lately: I have Facebook messages to answer, MySpace to visit (and at least four overdue messages to send!), a painting to do for a friend (in exchange for a Tarot deck… It’s the payment option I chose!), people and blogs to pick on (and to show some luv to!), I have (e)mails to answer… Argh. It’s as if I’ve been Internet-dead for a little while now!

The problem? I am working on a contract right now, I have been working on a few as well as dealing with some personal issues, I have three contracts that are waiting for me that I must get on as soon as I finish this one…

On the personal issue front, I have been navigating through strange emotional ups and downs. I’ve been going through a little ordeal in terms of self image (physical/body) and I’m trying to find a practical and concrete solution to deal with this. Needless to say, I don’t feel like whining (more) on this blog, so I’m trying to not approach the subject right now, or at least not until I gain a sort of less emotional and more rational perspective…

I’m hoping to post something more substantial this Sunday evening (I should have finished this contract at least).

I need the money, but I’m sorry for the lack of updates…